Reflections at a cliff’s edge

31 05 2007

Man hesitates too much, thinks too much, fears too much… Oftentimes, it takes just one step off the cliff to realize how free you really want to be. In the end, you champion over your fears and champion yourself.

What does it feel to simply let go? I discovered how it felt like to  jump off a cliff putting aside all hesitation, fears and anxiety that comes with human nature.

It was last week that we went to Tali Beach in Batangas. It was a different kind of experience since there really wasn’t much to do. So, you get do to a lot of thinking.  There is part in Tali beach where you are allowed to jump off this cliff that was about 5 – 7 meters high. You’d have to walk through a small pathway beside former President Ramos’ house (supposedly).

The first time I jumped took around 5 minutes before I decided to really go for it. At the start, it got me seeing flashes of my life mixed with panic, anticipation, and fear while my body was airborne between the cliff and the sea  below. It is funny really, looking back and thinking about it, but the feeling was insane.

I wondered whether that same feeling is what goes runs through the minds of those with suicidal tendencies, jumping off balconies. Do they, at some point in the middle of the fall, think back again and just realize that they are really falling and realize the mistake of trying to take their life? Do they suddenly feel sorry for what they have done?

I mean, during that first jump, those thoughts came to me. I was thinking, “Shit! I’m really falling! I have nothing to hold on to nor am I standing on anything solid!” It was just you and the air around you. Even if it was only for a second, it felt like eternity. In the end though, we were cushioned by the cool sea. Whatever panic we encountered in between quickly disappear. Unluckily, for the suicidal, they land on concrete ground.

Scary to realize that the feeling becomes addicting and you would somehow understand how it feels jumping off a 37 storey building. The experience is an exhilarating  but not one that you’d try to replicate in the middle of the Makati business district.

Damn, this entry got weird the moment I wrote about suicide. Going back to my thesis sentence, what does it feel to simply let go? To let go of one’s self, one’s emotion, one’s personal lies, one’s insecurities? I guess, it is a mix of many emotions, mostly on the side of fear and hesitation but the end result is a sense of accomplishment and pride. Come to think of it, it’s much like death and life.

At the end of the day, when Toffee finally got to jump, he felt very proud. And somehow, we all did and we all will too.

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